I feel it is important to start in reflecting on the here and now before I cover the 6 years that have led until now. So today I sit here, my 12 week old son in his automatic swing, sleeping soundly in the day for the first time in weeks (which gives me hope that the reflux meds he was started on two days ago have started to work) happy to be typing what Ive thought about starting for the last 8 weeks.
Today I started a therapy group for women experiencing postnatal anxiety and depression and whilst I am hopeful for improvement as we go through the therapy, I am filled with sadness that I am at a place in the journey where I really need this type of intervention and support. Bluntly put I am experiencing significant anxiety, with panic attacks and intrusive thoughts which have me thinking and seeing images of my son coming to harm many times a day. So I have a whole bunch of medical intervention and support in place, and yet it is really hard for me to get through the days at the moment.
Since beginning to write this entry I have glanced at my son in his swing three times debating in my mind whether his skin looks blue and his airway is blocked or whether he has aspirated vomit with reflux and is no longer breathing – He is breathing, I checked because once these thoughts start it is hard to not check, and even though I checked him those thoughts are still there.
My plans for future blog posts include
- a day in the life of someone with intrusive thoughts
- my history of infertility
- having faith and having mental illness
- the day I had a positive pregnancy test
- being pregnant after infertility is hard and amazing
- the day I gave birth was the best day ever
- the day I told my husband I wanted to die
- people can tell you how hard it is going to be but you don’t understand it until you are in it
- how to be a friend to someone with postnatal depression or anxiety
- mummy guilt and shame – what is normal anyway?
- the importance of building a village around you
- The day I had my first panic attack
- The day I accepted I had Postpartum Anxiety
- The day I became a medicated mumma
- The day I sent an S.O.S text message to my mum
- How important caffeine has become in my life
Who knows which ones I will actually do but I will come back and link to the ones I do complete.
So for today this is all I can manage, my mind is full and racing as it always is. The adrenaline pumps through my veins and I become exhausted as I pray for strength just for the next few hours until its bedtime again. The love for my son will never be out-measured by the anxiety or struggle but the panic sure does ring loud in the ears at times.
xxx Mumma Mich