Today is my first Mother’s Day here in Australia. I have dreamt about this day, I have longed for this day, I have pleaded with God for this day to come & it is here, actually here, actually today.
I woke up feeling unemotional about it, but I think that’s was due to the lack of morning caffeine consumption at that point and perhaps a lack of acceptance that it was reality. I also wondered whether the grey clouds
of postnatal anxiety may steal away some of the glitter of the day like it steals away pieces of motherhoods joys.
As I emerged to the lounge room and saw my husband and we had a huge hug it was an amazing moment I will never forget because it was the ‘happy mothers day’ hug he had wanted to be able to give me for a long time. My logical and reasonable husband spoke with tears at his joy about today and I think my emotions caught up to my brain at that moment.
Coming from an infertility background you would think I would be just so extra level excited to be a mum on this day; but I spent the morning with a complex layer of guilty feelings layered on my shoulders amongst the joy.
I was feeling guilty for celebrating, thinking back to the five mothers days previously that had caused so much grief and pain as my arms ached for the weight of my child. I have so much to celebrate and yet I found it so hard because I worry about those others out there that are lost in despair on this day as I have been. I feel guilty for the happiness and joy that I have. I feel scared that somehow it is all a misunderstanding and the happiness will end and the dull grey sadness cloud will envelop me once more.
But something great happened this morning that helped me to change my perspective on this day. We went to church which is a regular thing for us, and the sermon was basically on focusing on our own journey – not looking to what other people are doing or at the past, but your journey towards the future and what God has in store for you.
That really spoke to my heart. In that moment i felt this recognition that I lost my joy over 5 years, then God answered my prayers, but if I’m not careful to focus on the here and now and my future, I could lose the joy of today by living in the misery and sadness of the past.
The reality is that infertility is my past, it has changed how I see the world, how I connect and empathise with others, how I look and see my son, how I live on a day to day basis really, but it doesn’t define me & it no longer holds me back from moving forward physically, but I need to ensure it doesn’t hold me back mentally either.
I also have reflected in these moments on the joy that may have been tainted slightly when friends and family told me of their pregnancy announcements in past years. Perhaps there was some worry and guilt to play on their hearts as they knew our struggles. I would never want to have someone’s beautiful announcement dampened by my own pursuit of motherhood and so as
I ponder all these things today I resolve not to allow these guilty complex feelings detract any beauty, any shiny happy moments that I can partake in and lock into my memory as my first ever Mother’s Day comes to a close.
I’ve kissed his lips, smelt his hair after his bath, taken a pause to noticeably remember the smile we shared before his bottle, and brushed his hair on his head as I rocked him in his dark room before bed, all the while taking mental images in my mind that will never be forgotten, or dampened by my mind that hasn’t caught up with the reality that life is happening, that the grief of childlessness is over for me, that this next chapter needs my presence of mind to connect with the here and now. There’s no time to muck around. Life is here to be lived.
Today I feel like I lived. I was able to soak in some incredible moments in their beautiful messy imperfect fullness.
The day wasn’t marred by the smudge of unmet desires, or waves of all encompassing postnatal anxiety, it was just an ordinary quiet beautiful day which is quite extraordinary in itself.