This picture is the text message I sent to my husband this morning. He had a day off so it was decided I would sleep in & then go out and do something for myself and he would be on baby duty for the morning.
These plans are all well and good in theory but in practice they are so much harder to do. I feel guilty that my son was awake for an hour and I chose to get extra sleep, he is only awake for 6 or 7 hours a day so to forfeit one of those hours seems like a lot.
I feel guilty for being out at a cafe having a coffee and ‘me time’ when I could be at home getting things organised.
Bad mum. Lazy mum. What a failure. The worst mum ever.
That’s my inescapable thought loop at the moment. So much for a relaxing coffee break.
I hope this elusive self care thingy gets easier because at the moment it’s almost easier not to try to do it because of my brains assaults on my persona.
In my Postnatal depression women’s group we are learning about the practice of disputation which is basically recognising these self hate thoughts and disputing them and seeing the truth as it stands so for the sake of progress I will try this now.
I am working so hard at ‘self care’ so that I can be a better more present and relaxed mum when I’m around my son. I am not lazy as I am so busy doing everything I need to do to make sure he is cared for and his needs are met that I have forgotten what it’s like to be alone. I am not a bad mum, I am working working working so hard to be as good as I can be, to overcome this anxiety, to manage life better because my son deserves a mentally and physically healthy mum.
I am a good mum who is just having a less than straight forward path of motherhood. I am a mum who will do whatever it takes to be better.
At the end of the day I am a mum and I’m just so thankful to be here in this chapter of my life, frazzled and rattled and anxious as it may be.