Ive had a bit of a writers block latley. I have found myself starting many different posts but finishing none of them. Its all quite the well intentioned blog with a messy hectic draft area and no output.
Much like my day to day at the moment – chaotic, hectic, messy minded, foggy fight to get through the day. It sounds bad and some moments it is bad, but all in all I am starting to feel significant improvements. I havent had a panic attack in weeks, and havent taken any benzos to calm myself in as long. For awhile I felt like I may appear on an episode of intervention because I was dulling my feelings with these meds like it was going out of fashion. I wasn’t trying to get to the root cause of the feelings in the moments they were here, there has been limited time for therapeutic process in the moments when I am severely anxious and yet also must be a mother. So in those moments its been about survival, about coping with the mind so that my body can cope with the motherhood demands.
Feeling better now in this moment and not needing these medicines for a little while tells me that I needed those meds, oh how I needed those meds. At the time I felt guilty and ashamed for using something to quell the bubbling anxiousness when it threatened to overwhelm me, I felt weak and less than as a mother and as a person. The reality as I see it now is that I was surviving and fighting to make it through with the medical aids to support the therapeutic work I was undertaking in counselling and group work in times I put aside for therapy. It is not weak to seek medical help for a heart problem, so why is it weak to seek medical support for a mind matter? It makes no sense, but stigma is stigma.
Before I sought help from the Dr for the anxiety all I remember is an unwavering feeling of dread which prevented me from thinking ahead even a moment, an army of butterflies in my stomach which prevented me from eating and runaway thoughts which filled my mind with so much that I couldnt hear the goings on around me. I thought this what was all mothers must have felt like because it was such a learning curve, so I thought I needed to just suck it up as everyone has walked this path.
Whilst every mother has walked a path, their own difficult transition to motherhood, only I have walked my path with its intricasies so its ok to be overwhelmed by my path. Its just got to be ok.
This rollercoaster of motherhood has taken may unexpected turns so far, and I have no doubt there will be more turns to come. I have medicine when I need it, I have a psyschologist who I will continue to see and a village around me I can call on so the future is ok.