I feel overwhelmingly sad today, like a river of sad has washed over me and drenched me to the depths of my soul.
The sadness comes in a week when I have just sat in the knowledge that being a mum is just hard work sometimes.
Sometimes it’s great and glittery mixed with hard, but sometimes the glitter doesn’t shine and it’s just a hard work type week. This week is the hard work type week for me.
I’ve also had a bad week in terms of intrusive thoughts & visions; I’m realising that my mental health declines as my stress levels rise and so this week I’ve been worried about some medical tests our baby was having which kind of over loaded my brain (my anxiety is always highest around medical stuff). Baby also had meningococcal B vaccination yesterday and has his first cold today. So I have all these intrusive thoughts which are like mini videos playing in my mind where I see my baby die in any number of fever / cold / snot related ways.
It’s overwhelming and today rather than feelings of panic or severe anxiety it has found me in this flood of sadness that spills out of my eyes. It’s all I can do to write about it and try and remember that it’s just a day that will soon be over.
Then I think why the hell would I even post this, what a boring sadder of a post with nothing helpful or insightful to add to the collective community of intelligible thought. But maybe just maybe someone is having a similar sadder of a day and they just need to know that it’s ok just to have a stinker day and wait to see if there is any glitter to shine tommorrow.