My mind is a steaming trash heap at the moment, at least that’s what it feels like.
I’m having a bad day which has prompted that thought and my bad day is because I have reached the limit with my stress.
To use the analogy of a bucket that we all carry around with our lives filling up the bucket my bucket has been filled to the Brim with the lead up and challenge of a baby. For awhile it was overflowing with anxiety and panic attacks that couldn’t be contained. Through meds and therapy and self care I managed to find a way to contain my bucket so it no longer overflowed and I found my footing a little bit.
But over the last week the bucket has started overflowing again as some medical tests are being undertaken on my beautiful baby.
My intrusive thoughts are back and I’m on the verge of panic, last night I broke down and then couldn’t sleep hours after lying down and today I am on the verge of sadness and fear and panic.
What this tells me is that it’s just like that straw that broke the camels back – just one extra thing that is too much for me right now, I am learning to handle this new life, but as it was – without question marks around My sons health and what ifs flooding my mind.
I’m realising that extra stress that I can’t control leads to a few backward steps in my mind and so I will have to take more time to have slower days and rest rather than trying to keep ‘doing so well’.
I’ve possibly gotten into the flow of things in a way that hasn’t allowed enough time for self care because I feel like I’m doing better, so why not go out and see that person and walk around the shops now that I’m confident to do so with my little man?
Because I must accept that I am an introvert and I have to find the balance between filling my bucket with social interaction and introverted recouperation, and it’s a hard balance to find!