I haven’t really talked about my faith on this blog yet. Not because I don’t want to but because I’ve found it hard to articulate where I’m at at the moment and so I’ve kept putting this post off even though it’s been on my mind.
For 5 years we prayed for a baby, I wept and asked God repeatedly why I had to wait when so many around me had their arms filled with babies, and my arms ached with emptiness. I fought for my faith, faith that the God who loves will provide for me, that he has instilled me with a maternal heart and so he will meet my heart ache with his perfect answer. That the promises within the bible are to be relied on. I had my good times and my bad times as I travelled that path.
Once I got pregnant I was so thankful to God for this miracle and felt such a weight lifted off me whilst pregnant, as my prayers and pleas had been answered.
Once baby was here and the mastitis kicked in and the post natal anxiety started it was survival minute by minute for a few months, and the times when I did have the clarity of mind to think about God it was moments of anger directed towards him –
‘why did I wait so long to have such a hard time now’
‘How could you let this happen’
But upon reflecting and looking back those weary angry cries were cries of unmet expectation – had I somehow thought that a baby would be the answer to all my problems?
Because I certainly was acting that as I wept bitterly and shouted at God.
I could have cried out for help to a God that heard and is faithful. Albeit in the midst of panic attacks and each time I thought Archie was dying instantly out of my lips came “God I need your help now.” And he did help, he sent peace and comfort and safety each and every time I cried out that I needed him.
But I still angrily raged at him in other moments that he somehow made it so hard for me. I wasn’t struggling with believing in Him I was just angry that he let these things be in my life, so I guess I was struggling with understanding how he can be a good God if I was experiencing a bunch of balls at the time.
I look back now, still in the midst of some difficulty but with more clarity I can recognise these things:
– he is waiting for me whenever I am willing to cry out to him, to share my life with him, he will walk with me
– he doesn’t punish me with difficulties, he provides me companionship and support whilst I walk through the tough times
– he doesn’t shield me from the hard times, he helps me through them – just as I won’t be able to protect Archie from the hardships of life but will walk with him and help him through the tough stuff and love him unconditionally
– he allowed me to wait for a baby, he didn’t cause my infertility, he did allow it, but that’s because he allows me freedom in my life to make choices – if I want freedom then I must be willing to accept that freedom comes with the possibility of good and bad
– I wouldn’t have the perfect scrumptious Mr Baby that I have now had we fallen pregnant straight away & I can’t imagine my life with any other baby than the one I have
– God is a God of love which means he gives me freedom to live as I choose, he waits like a gentlemen to be invited into my life and once he is invited into the moment he fills it with clarity and peace.
I dont fully understand why big picture of why things have been so tough, but I accept it as it is what it is.
I don’t pretend to be a really good Christian, just a normal every day person who struggles with the tough stuff and struggles with God and tries to have a life that is built on the foundation of faith that I have.
Ultimately I can’t shake the feeling that God is the answer to any question, for me pregnancy wansnt the answer, a baby wasn’t the answer, but God will always be the answer. I’m not really sure how that looks or what that means and I can understand how someone who doesn’t have a faith may read this and think I’m a real weirdo and that’s ok, I am a real weirdo who is just trying to figure out the day to day life stuff and the meaning of the world stuff and everything in between.
Weird rambling post.