They say that one huge factor in a successful blog is regularity in posting. But the reality of this blog is that it is in very essence a blog about my current struggle and dysfunction. Sometimes I find it therapeutic to write around the struggles of the day and sometimes my mind is too overwhelmed and occupied to even imagine putting in words the swirling thoughts and feelings.
In the last few weeks I’ve found myself fictional but very exhausted. It is exhausting to be at the end of your comfort zone all day every day.
12 or 16 weeks ago I wasn’t functional, I was falling apart, so I do have to take pause and celebrate the fact that I am functional, I get out of the house with Archie, I know he will nap eventually, I know I can manage what he dishes out to me on the day. This is great news. But I am still so stretched within myself.
A normal day sees my husband come home and my mind switches off – he takes over ‘baby duties’ and it’s like my lights are on but no ones home, I exist and am present as much as I can be in the evening and then I am in bed by 8 or 830pm.
An annoying side effect of my anxiety is that I can no longer sleep in, even on days when there is time, where my husband is going to work later or it’s a weekend and he gets up with baby. I’ve always struggled to get out of bed before 10am but these days my eyes are open by 7am so I need to go to bed early to counteract this, and also because I just can’t stay awake any longer at the moment.
Another difficult factor contributing to my exhaustion is that I find it hard to relax for much of the day even during nap times. I chatted this out with my psychologist and was able to realize that things are very go go go when the baby is awake, and whilst it may seem obvious that then I should be able to rest when he sleeps, I find myself instead running around the house like a mad – chicken washing dishes and doing laundry and dusting places i’ve never ever dusted before – jobs that aren’t essential at that moment in time but my exhausted self is getting them done. Why? Well it is hard to shut off and go from 100 to 0 when you know you will need to get back to 100 soon enough. Also i’ve lost a bit of myself because if I ever steal a moment i blob on the couch which isn’t refreshing at all, but its because I don’t have the head space to think about what I would like to do instead – no brain space for reading or well whatever else that I may have been able to think up pre-baby when I had the ability to think clearly.
In theory Id like to develop a rich devotional life, spend time listening to music and praying and replenishing that spiritual aspect within, in practice I drag around unmotivated and zombified- how do you fill a bucket that is leaking faster than it is filling?
I’m also in the midst of a huge medication change with my thyroid and hoping that these new meds may in fact help me to feel more human again. It is very hard to decipher between thyroid illness symptoms, new mum symptoms and depression symptoms. so fingers crossed for that.
Im wondering what other people do to fill their bucket during the days in times when perhaps baby is napping?