I had a bit of a healing moment the other day which I had to share. You see my son is now 7 months and the scales between taking and giving are slowly tipping in as much as a baby can give to their parent. The smiles and snuggles and games we can play together now are wonderful and our interaction is taking on a whole new meaningful layer as my son shows he can understand us somewhat in our interactions, and he looks to me for comfort and support.
The moment I want to share was sitting in our enclosed outdoor area, the sun shining through the blinds. I pulled my singlet top up to expose my belly and get some vitamin D on my skin. Archie was sitting up facing me between my legs and firstly I saw myself in the glass reflection of the door and was bothered by what I saw – I could’ve been taking a maternity shoot at this point with my big belly out and instantly my mind went to those self hate places. But that’s when I looked down to my boy who had the biggest smile on his face as his hands gently slid on my stretch mark covered skin, he leaned in and stretched his arms wide and gave me the closest thing to a hug that a 7 month old consciously can, and put his face against my belly and giggled and gurgled and cooed. Then of course he lent in and began to blow raspberries on my belly and laugh at the sound over and over again until we were both laughing.
I don’t begin to accept my body in its current state, I want to gain health so that I can be that healthy role model for my children. But in the moment my son taught me something about appreciating where we are and that people see me in a totally different way to what I see myself in.
I find it so hard to love myself or be gentle with myself, and as a mother Ive found it so hard to think I am enough for my son, but in these moments he showed me I am enough for him. He doesn’t need to communicate that to me ever, I am the parent and I wont have him trying to fill some void or something, but I will accept these moments where he shows me a glimpse of what he sees – He only saw me with love, curiosity and full acceptance. What a beautiful blessing he is, and what a wonderful way to be reminded to pause and enjoy a moment, rather than hate a reflection.